We live in an answer-focused society. There’s no shortage of experts telling us how to make money, lose weight, get more sleep, have a better marriage, or just be happier.
Answers are a convenient way to manage anxiety. You might feel calmer when you get a diagnosis. A family calms down when they have a scapegoat to blame. And it’s reassuring when your therapist hands you a worksheet and says, “Just do this.”
I think answers fail us when they shut down our thinking. When they don’t allow us to be curious. These are answers like:
- My relationship will only get better if my partner stops doing X.
- I’m an anxious person and there’s no changing that.
- I’m burned out because people expect too much of me.
- I have low self-esteem because my father was too critical.
- My relationships have failed because I’m unlovable.
Cause-and-effect thinking fails to capture the complexity of human relationships. We’re quick to slap labels on ourselves and others, because seeing the bigger picture, the patterns of actions and reactions, takes a lot more effort and discomfort. It’s easier to ask, “Why?” and fill in the blank with the most obvious answer.
Here are some non-why questions that can jump-start your thinking.(more…)